Who We Are

Later the 'Why' but now the 'Who'.

Who am I?

I am quiet. As an only child in a mostly single parent household I seldom had an audience nor the need to be outspoken.

I listen. I make observations about the world. A child with questions and without people that might answer these questions learns to keep an open ear and eye. These skills became a personality trait. That trait followed me into adulthood.  
 
Instrospection and self image. It might be a symptom of too many hours lost in thought or a symptom of too many untidy ideas. My mind tends to evaluate and re-evaluate the ideas that find their way in. Often these thoughts are self focused and don't always match up with the ideal. A busy mind either accepts these truths or self destructs. I found a path to the former. Finding that path was expensive, challenging, and enlightening. I now have the wisdom to embrace both the struggle and the lesson.

Distaste for disharmony. My parents argued. These arguments took place at an age that few of my memories survived the test of time. But the imprint of fear and sadness during those verbal arguments persists. There are few stronger motivators for preserving civility than the emotional memories that follow an adult from early childhood.

Who are you?

It is impossible to know but I'll share what I've gathered so far.

Macho. Macho like the Marlboro Man. The machismo facade is worn every day. The curtain is never raised so glimpses inside are few and far between. But there are glimpses.

Fearful of illness. Most of us experience these emotions. Just once did you reveal them. At that time I lacked the wisdom to see how rare and honest a moment I was witnessing.

Mistakes. You don't make any. You never admit any. Until you did. The details of the incident are not relevant. The tenor of your voice, when the incident was discussed, is relevant. That delivery was a window that bypassed the macho image and revealed a view into the heart. It did not stay open long but it did prove that there is daylight between the macho projection and the real human.

Prospect of loss. When my cancer journey started so did yours. There was a time when we had more questions than the medical team had answers. That rattled me inside and out but your demeanor changed little during the early portion of this journey. Verbally, you played the role of strong man. Other behaviorial changes, however, telegraphed your fear that my cancer journey had an unknown destination.  

Arrogance and strength. These are your default modes. They are the working tenants of the Macho Man. If you don't know the answer then the play is to claim that you do. If you are looking at defeat then the response is to claim victory. These modes does not show me who you are. Recognizing these modes allows me to filter out who you are not.

The chaff obscures the wheat. I can chronicle glimpes past the facade to know there exists an inner being. The details, however, are not at hand. I do not 'know' who you are on the inside. I have precious little insight on your thoughts and emotions.

The 'Why'

Why have I revealed who I am? Why have I revealed my perceptions of who you are? Is it a setup for critique of character? It is not. My intention is to lay the groundwork for accepting that we are each distinct and unique individuals with disparate life experiences. Only after that groundwork is in the pocket can I can pivot this discussion towards my larger hope of promoting more perfect communication.

As a unique individual with unique life experiences I've come to view and interact with the world through a lens that is uniquely my own. It is not reasonable for me to expect you or any other person to see the world through my lens. If we are to grow as communicators we must accept this fact. We must also accept that every other person with whom we hope to communicate has a unique lens. A unique and foreign lens. A foreign lens that, no matter the effort, we may never fully appreciate.

Learning to communicate effectively is always a challenge. Reminding myself of my own unique lens is a step towards better understanding how it colors my view of the world. Challenging myself to understand and accept your lens is a step towards the same goal. These first steps do not guarantee success but they might decrease the chance of failure.

I'll continue to inch this project forward.

Poppy Approves

 

Our family has adopted a 36 year old Volkswagen Vanagon. These old vans are not known for excelling in any objective measure. Yet their popularity is undeniable and that is certainly due to their excellence in subjective measures. Our dog Poppy agrees.

One Year

It has been one year since I answered the phone to hear my physician's somber tone.

It has been one year since I faced the fear of the unknown.

It has been one year since I burdened my family with the knowledge of my cancer diagnosis.

One year ago I learned that one does not 'get' cancer and then 'get rid of' cancer. Cancer is a journey of unknown duration and unknown destination. My journey is currently going well. I'm one year in and the professionals see no signs of cancer.

It has been one year since I stopped my bicycle mid ride to share my diagnosis with a cycling friend.

The most humbling aspect of my journey has been the tremendous support from family and friends. These people rushed to my aid. They cannot be thanked enough. I suspect their demonstration of love bolstered my spirits and resolve and gave me the strength to maintain the physical aspect of the fight.

It has been one year since I clicked out of the pedals and checked into the surgery center.

Cancer is a dirty trickster. I felt fine. I looked fine. I had the strength to pedal alongside the best. But cancerous cells were quietly undermining what was otherwise a well organized machine. Choosing surgery, and knowing that the pieces don't get reassembled exactly the same as they came apart, was the first of many bitter pills I needed to swallow and embrace.

It has been one year since my first recovery.

The healing process that followed the first of three procedures set me on my heels. It also helped me internalize just how long and draining the journey would become. While my surgery site slowly healed my determination and resolve slowly solidified. I needed both in the months that followed.

It has been one year since a friend first commented on my positivity in the face of a sour situation.

I have a lot of memories from the first month of my cancer journey. One of the most influential came from a friend who was surprised that I managed to keep my chin up. My positive attitude did not defeat cancer. It did allow me to have the best experience possible given the variables that were out of my control.

It has been one year since I shared cycling photos.

My eyes are looking forward. The cancer journey continues but is not currently the primary plot line of my story. Instead I'll be taking my days one by one, giving thanks for all I have, and taking in as many happy cycling days as the universe will allow me.

Adam and I at the Carbon River Bridge as photographed by Mike. Thanks, guys, for a great day of pedaling.

 

Adam and Mike pose next to my shadow at the Carbon River Bridge.

Training 2020

Bicycle racing in year 2020 is on hold as Covid-19 takes its turn. My training schedule, however, marches forward. Despite the uncertaintly that racing might not resume in 2020 I'm staying the course with my upated training plan.

Three fundamental changes to my training have taken place since 2019.

Image. I'm now describing myself as a competitive cyclist. This is an upgrade from previous years when I might have described myself as a serious recreational cyclist who also competed in cyclocross racing. This change is largely being driven by my inclusion of gravel racing events. My training regimen is now extended in an effort to cover both gravel and cyclocross fitness needs.

Volume. Previous training plans did not emphasize the number of hours spent pedaling and that probably meant I was leaving some aerobic fitness on the table. In the 'good old days' we called this base training and I'm whole heartedly resubscribing. Increasing my training volume should help me, over the long haul, build up a larger and more durable aerobic engine.

I am aiming for at least ten hours of saddle time per week and up to twelve when possible. Early returns indicate this additional volume is helping. My FTP is at a record high. My ability to compete in Zwift races has been enhanced. With the additional volume comes a fair amount of training stress. I'm monitoring the fatugue and being careful to add rest days when necessary. For the most part I have been able to recover adequately before my next high intensity training session.

Polarized training model. My Zwift Racing Coach, Adam, suggested the polarized training model might be a good fit for me. The basic prescription is as follows: An endurance athlete aims for about 90% of training time to be at the relatively low intensity of zone 2 and just 10% of training time at or above zone 4. Polarized training is a good fit when an athletes training volume is high and post workout recovery needs are critical. The recovery from zone 2 work is relatively quick. High intensity workouts requires the most recovery so the quantity of that work is strickly limited in the polarized model.

My training schedule fits well within the poloarized model. I've chosen to participate in two Zwift races per week as my high intensity work. Those usually sum to about 90 minutes of zone 4 and 5 per week. The remainder of my riding time is split unevenly between two hours of zone 1 recover rides and about eight hours of zone 2 longer rides. On the weeks I'm able to stretch my total volume past 12 hours the percentage of high intensity work is near the target of 10%.

I'm looking forward to following this piece up with additional details and eventually some race results.

I Felt Old

During the recovery from the third of three treatments for throat cancer I found myself thinking 'I feel old'. These words had never crossed my lips and their presence in my thoughts stirred yet another round of soul searching.

Becoming chronologically old is not the enemy in this conversation. Feeling old is.

People who know me are aware that I spend a fair bit of energy 'pushing it forward'. I am motivated to make my situation better and that includes taking good care of my mind and body. The presence of 'I feel old' caused an internal process in which I examined the emotional baggage that I attached to three little words.

In our society age is used as an excuse. In terms of absolute performance there is truth. Our physical and mental peaks occur prior to our first mid life crisis. But a theoretical performance ceiling that is ten or twenty percent lower now than it was in our youth is hardly a reason to throw in the towel. I take pride in working harder now to 'push it forward' than I ever did when I possessed the gift of youth.

Is it possible that 'I feel old' might just be another way of saying 'I give up'? If so, we have hope. Changing the narrative to 'I give up' puts us into a different frame of reference. A frame where the individual has control. The passing of time and the accumulation of years is a foregone conclusion. Just as certain is our access to a control lever. The control lever that determines whether we continue the fight or not. Each of us gets the same opportunity to reach up and throw that lever.
Each of us gets to choose how far and how long we wish to 'push it forward'.

Thinking back to the day that 'I felt old' I am filled with appreciation. The recovery temporarily sapped my physical and emotional strength yet I emerged at least as strong as I entered. My self belief was affirmed. I'm back to finding ways to push it forward.

Why Choose an Air Cooled VW?

After my family’s recent VW bug adoption I started to wonder what brought me, a mid-life crisis aged shade tree mechanic, to choose this project. My reflection has revealed three themes.

Nostalgia

When I was a young motorcyclist all the machines I could afford were older, slower, and of modest technology. Technologies, in fact, not far removed from the VW air cooled engine. It seems possible that the era from which the VW evolved gives me a sense of connection to my past.

Simplicity

By almost every metric the VW air cooled automobile pales in comparison to it’s peers. It is not fast. It is not rare. It is not exotic. It is a simple machine and the simple joy of motoring on a warm afternoon might be all the allure that is required.

Relationship

Vintage VW ownership is more than dropping some coin and parking the automobile at your home. VW ownership requires a relationship with the machine. Many owners, myself included, are comfortable owning the frequent maintenance tasks not required by cars half a century newer. The maintenance ritual might, in fact, be a component in the relationship between machine and driver. We can’t overlook that maybe I’m not choosing a vintage car in as much as I’m responding to that car’s needs.

It is much too early for me to reach any conclusions. As the project matures I expect my understaning of the question posed in the title to mature with it.

Artwork courtesy Dana Trummert