I Felt Old

During the recovery from the third of three treatments for throat cancer I found myself thinking 'I feel old'. These words had never crossed my lips and their presence in my thoughts stirred yet another round of soul searching.

Becoming chronologically old is not the enemy in this conversation. Feeling old is.

People who know me are aware that I spend a fair bit of energy 'pushing it forward'. I am motivated to make my situation better and that includes taking good care of my mind and body. The presence of 'I feel old' caused an internal process in which I examined the emotional baggage that I attached to three little words.

In our society age is used as an excuse. In terms of absolute performance there is truth. Our physical and mental peaks occur prior to our first mid life crisis. But a theoretical performance ceiling that is ten or twenty percent lower now than it was in our youth is hardly a reason to throw in the towel. I take pride in working harder now to 'push it forward' than I ever did when I possessed the gift of youth.

Is it possible that 'I feel old' might just be another way of saying 'I give up'? If so, we have hope. Changing the narrative to 'I give up' puts us into a different frame of reference. A frame where the individual has control. The passing of time and the accumulation of years is a foregone conclusion. Just as certain is our access to a control lever. The control lever that determines whether we continue the fight or not. Each of us gets the same opportunity to reach up and throw that lever.
Each of us gets to choose how far and how long we wish to 'push it forward'.

Thinking back to the day that 'I felt old' I am filled with appreciation. The recovery temporarily sapped my physical and emotional strength yet I emerged at least as strong as I entered. My self belief was affirmed. I'm back to finding ways to push it forward.