Who We Are

Later the 'Why' but now the 'Who'.

Who am I?

I am quiet. As an only child in a mostly single parent household I seldom had an audience nor the need to be outspoken.

I listen. I make observations about the world. A child with questions and without people that might answer these questions learns to keep an open ear and eye. These skills became a personality trait. That trait followed me into adulthood.  
 
Instrospection and self image. It might be a symptom of too many hours lost in thought or a symptom of too many untidy ideas. My mind tends to evaluate and re-evaluate the ideas that find their way in. Often these thoughts are self focused and don't always match up with the ideal. A busy mind either accepts these truths or self destructs. I found a path to the former. Finding that path was expensive, challenging, and enlightening. I now have the wisdom to embrace both the struggle and the lesson.

Distaste for disharmony. My parents argued. These arguments took place at an age that few of my memories survived the test of time. But the imprint of fear and sadness during those verbal arguments persists. There are few stronger motivators for preserving civility than the emotional memories that follow an adult from early childhood.

Who are you?

It is impossible to know but I'll share what I've gathered so far.

Macho. Macho like the Marlboro Man. The machismo facade is worn every day. The curtain is never raised so glimpses inside are few and far between. But there are glimpses.

Fearful of illness. Most of us experience these emotions. Just once did you reveal them. At that time I lacked the wisdom to see how rare and honest a moment I was witnessing.

Mistakes. You don't make any. You never admit any. Until you did. The details of the incident are not relevant. The tenor of your voice, when the incident was discussed, is relevant. That delivery was a window that bypassed the macho image and revealed a view into the heart. It did not stay open long but it did prove that there is daylight between the macho projection and the real human.

Prospect of loss. When my cancer journey started so did yours. There was a time when we had more questions than the medical team had answers. That rattled me inside and out but your demeanor changed little during the early portion of this journey. Verbally, you played the role of strong man. Other behaviorial changes, however, telegraphed your fear that my cancer journey had an unknown destination.  

Arrogance and strength. These are your default modes. They are the working tenants of the Macho Man. If you don't know the answer then the play is to claim that you do. If you are looking at defeat then the response is to claim victory. These modes does not show me who you are. Recognizing these modes allows me to filter out who you are not.

The chaff obscures the wheat. I can chronicle glimpes past the facade to know there exists an inner being. The details, however, are not at hand. I do not 'know' who you are on the inside. I have precious little insight on your thoughts and emotions.

The 'Why'

Why have I revealed who I am? Why have I revealed my perceptions of who you are? Is it a setup for critique of character? It is not. My intention is to lay the groundwork for accepting that we are each distinct and unique individuals with disparate life experiences. Only after that groundwork is in the pocket can I can pivot this discussion towards my larger hope of promoting more perfect communication.

As a unique individual with unique life experiences I've come to view and interact with the world through a lens that is uniquely my own. It is not reasonable for me to expect you or any other person to see the world through my lens. If we are to grow as communicators we must accept this fact. We must also accept that every other person with whom we hope to communicate has a unique lens. A unique and foreign lens. A foreign lens that, no matter the effort, we may never fully appreciate.

Learning to communicate effectively is always a challenge. Reminding myself of my own unique lens is a step towards better understanding how it colors my view of the world. Challenging myself to understand and accept your lens is a step towards the same goal. These first steps do not guarantee success but they might decrease the chance of failure.

I'll continue to inch this project forward.