Not Miserable

The realization of 'Not Miserable' occured while driving home from a long day of cycling with friends. My body ached of fatigue. My wits were not sharp. I was experiencing the affects of a near perfect day in the saddle. A boring drive allowed a contemplative mindset where I explored my own mood. I was not miserable.

As an adolescent I chased happiness as if it could be caught. Societal influence or naivete of youth allowed me to beleive happiness was a state that could be achieved and sustained. This mirage lasted just a few years. Disappointments in my life brought my assumption into question. Listening to the life stories of others confirmed my suspicion that happiness is fleeting at best.

Adulthood brought a more sober expectation. I thought it more wise to pursue, instead, contentment. Contentment did not come quickly yet the goal stayed with me past age forty. It seems possible that without a disruptive catalyst my pursuit might have persisted through today. It is also possible that I might have achieved contentment. I will never know. My catalyst arrived in the guise of a cancer diagnosis.

Cancer and the journey it entailed ticked neither the bucket for happy nor content. It did quite the opposite. My six months of treatments were rough. Luck was on my side and I emerged from the dark times to take stock of my cancer experience and my life. Some changes took place during this time of instrospection.

My sense of appreciation has been magnified. I appreciate the trips on which the vintage Vanagon lets me choose the end point. I appreciate my health and the health of my family.

My concept of well being has been stretched. Recovery from cancer treatments included days and months that fell into the negative end of the wellness spectrum. I explored suffer. I met miserable.

Those days were tough and there may be more misery in my future. Today I am not suffering and I am a tiny step wiser. Today I do not chase happiness. Today I do not pursue contentment. Today I appreciate not being miserable.

Not miserable seems a low bar until that bar requires a reach up.

Negative sentiment might accompany the adjectives which described me during my drive home from cycling. I was sore. I was filthy. I was exhausted. But I was not miserable. On that day, knowing where I've been, recalling the suffer, I found myself feeling content, even happy, with not feeling miserable.

 

Long shadows and cool temperatures did not deter a few Cyclopaths from a fine, fine day of riding, chatting, and photo taking.